Goodbye PHAN
by adorkablefovvs
Summary: "Dan Commited suicide Tuesday night" WARNING:DO NOT READ IF EASILY TRIGGERED!THIS ONE-SHOT DEALS WITH SUICIDE! Enjoy having your heart ripped out :) (Edit: Lol i've just read some reviews people have left. I WARNED YOU THIS WOULD TEAR YOUR HEART OUT!)


_**WARNING!: THIS ONE SHOT DEALS WITH SUICIDE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED!**_

 _ **Important AN at the end of this. But now, enjoy having your heart ripped out :)**_

 _ **"Dan committed suicide on Tuesday night"**_

The headmasters words echoed around the gymnasia, everyone either to shocked or upset to say anything. Dan's friends sat motionless as they had heard this from the Paramedics first. In their hand, they each held a piece of paper, a letter from Dan. None of them had been brave enough to read it. They didn't believe Dan was dead. They hoped it was some kind of joke; that Dan would burst through the doors any moment alive and well.

 _ **He didn't.**_

In the lunch hall the following days, his best friend Louise sat at a different table with all of their friends, as sitting at their usual table didn't feel right. Not without Dan. Nobody sat there anymore. People often glanced at it, hoping to see Dan and his friends sitting at that table as normal, like nothing was wrong. And to Louise, even though the hall was full of noise, without Dan's iconic laughter being the loudest thing filling the room, it was deathly silent to her. She wished she could her him laugh one more time.

 _ **But she couldn't.**_

Dan's brother Adrian did not take Dan's death well, which was obviously expected. Dan was his brother. His best friend. The person who was always supposed to be there for him. His mother tried to convince him to stay of school and mourn. Adrian refused and went to school. All people did was give him sympathetic looks. He hated it, He despised it so much. He didn't want to be treated like a fragile doll.

During his English Class, he completely lost it. He was screaming, crying and lashing out on anyone who tried to get near him. He wore himself out so much that he ended up passing out in the classroom, Student were sent out, only close friends of Adrian remaining. The School Nurse ended up having to come up to the classroom room to sort Adrian out. Once he woke up, he was transferred to the Nurses office to wait for his parents. Adrian sat there, wanting nothing more than for Dan to walk through the door and sooth him.

 _ **He never came.**_

Dan's mother would lock herself in the bathroom. She would stare in the mirror hating herself for letting this happen to her son. Her hands would shake as she raised another bottle of Vodka to her lips. Dan hated it when she drank, always complaining how it stunk the house out. He would never get mad at her though. He would always remove the bottle from her hand, clear up after her and help her into bed, no matter how much of a state she was in. When she woke up, there would always be painkillers, a glass of water and a plate with some Jammie Dodgers on it, with a note saying that he hoped that she would feel better soon.

 _ **She never got this treatment again.**_

Dan's father, on the other hand, became a workaholic. He often worked from 6am till 11pm, Monday to Saturday, Sunday being his only day off. And even when his was at home, he barely spent time with his family anymore. He spent his time in his office, constantly stressing over paperwork. Sometimes, he would sit silently, listening for Dan's loud music to come echoing down the hall from his room. As much as his father hated it, he would give anything to hear the music playing, so he could walk down to his son's room and see his son sitting surrounded by homework. He would yell (playfully) at him to turn it down and get some sort of cheeky remark as a reply.

 _ **Silence filled the house.**_

Even people that didn't really know Dan were sad about his passing. When they walked through the halls, they stared at Dan's locker, hoping to see him standing there one day. Instead his locker had been turned into somewhat of a memorial. There were photos of Dan and various people stuck on it, flowers left around on the locker. In the classroom, people eyes would scan the classroom and stop where Dan used to sit, with his feet on the desk, laughing and chatting with his friends. Even teachers missed hearing Dan's sarcastic reply and missed his attitude towards certain things. Every morning they would stop and sit in silence for a moment as if they were waiting for Dan.

 _ **He never showed up.**_

 **Phil took it the worst.**

Phil was Dan's boyfriend and loved Dan to pieces. Dan loved Phil more than words could explain. Whenever they were around each other, their eyes would light up; in a way that only being around each other could ignite. So Phil couldn't understand why Dan left him. The first day after Dan's death was announced. Phil barely left his room. The only reason he got off his bed was to go to the toilet. He refused to eat, he barely slept and he didn't shower. It was like a whole different Phil had taken his place, the happy Phil dying along with Dan. When his parents walked into his room, Phil would be lying on his back, hugging one of Dan's jumpers simply because it smelt like Dan and that was the one thing Phil never wanted to forget.

After what felt like years, when in reality it had only been a week, it was time for the funeral. Most of the town had showed up as Dan was well known as loved by everyone. However the only people in Dan's family to show up were his Mum, Dad, Brother, Grandad and Grandma. His other family being 'too far away' or having 'trouble finding a babysitter' to come.

It had been a beautiful service. Lots of people spoke many wonderful things about Dan. Then it was Phil's turn. Shaking slightly, he took his place at the front of the church. He took a moment to look inside the open casket. Dan looked breath-taking, even in death. He wore a black traditional suit with his hair in its natural curly state. Dan looked so peaceful, as if he could be sleeping. God Phil wished he was sleeping.

He then went and scanned the crowd. There were many familiar faces. Dan's family at the front, who were full on sobbing. Phil's Family, giving him encouraging smiles. His friends; PJ, Louise, Chris, Tyler and Connor F. Even people who Phil did not expect to see, such as Alfie Deyes, The Maynard Brothers, Joe and Zoe Sugg, Marcus Butler and Emma Blackery. They were all there and on the verge of tears.

Phil took a deep breath as he started his speech.

"My name is Phil Lester. I am- was Dan's boyfriend. I loved Dan more than you can imagine. Every morning, going up to his door and knocking for him, he would always answer with a smile, showing off his huge dimples he had. Even before we started dating, we would hold hands to walk to school. Every break we would sit on the field with our friend and share a packet a crisps. At lunchtime, he would attempt to be sneaky and steal food off my plate, especially of Fridays. I don't know how may time I caught him snatching a chip off my plate. But did I care? Not really. I found it extremely hilarious, the way he would deny it and the try and justify himself. When it rained, his hair that he straightened every morning would go curly. He called it his 'Hobbit Hair' and he hated it. But I loved it. And I loved to tease him about and ruffle his hair," Phil pauses for a moment, wondering if he should say what the next thing on his mind was.

"Dan was always a happy guy. Everyone knows that. This is why it confuses me so much. His Family loved him, his friends loved him, my family loved him, I loved him. So why did he do it? I guess we will never find out. Dan did talk about death, when we were lying on his roof one night, watching the stars. He said to me 'Phil? What do you think would happen if I died?' I was shocked to hear him say something like this. So I replied to him 'I don't think I would be able to function. Why would you ask that?' And do you know what he said back. He looked me in the eyes and said 'Because I don't want to live without you'. That's when we kissed for the first time. It was one of the most memorable conversations I have had with him. Because now, when I look back at it, I wish I would have talked to him more about that. Maybe all of this never would have happened." He finished. There was applause. Lots of it. After the ceremony was finished, the casket was shut and carried outside to the graveyard, a hole was already dug. They lowered his casket into the hole and the revered said a few more words before they starting filling the hole in.

As people left, they placed flowers on Dan's grave and wished both Dan and Phil's family well. The only people who remained were Phil and Dan's family. Phil felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to see Adrian, eyes filled with tears threatening to spill. Phil enveloped Adrian in a hug.

"He loved you. So much" Adrian mumbled pulling away slightly. Phil crouched down to meet Adrian's eyes.

"I know bud. I loved him too" Phil said softly. Adrian shook his head.

"No you don't know. He loved you so much. He got this sparkle in his eye, anytime your name was mentioned. Everyone conversation we had, your name popped up somewhere. We would spend hours in his bedroom talking about you." Adrian explained. He walked away, leaving Phil slightly dumbfounded. He had no idea he meant that much to Dan. Phil realised he was the only one left in the graveyard. He brought his finger to his mouth, lightly touched them with his lip and pressed them down on the grave.

 _ **"I love you Dan Howell. I always will"**_

Later that evening, Phil had the letter found beside Dan's dead body addressed to him. He dared not to open it, as he could not believe he was dead. Slowly, Phil teared the envelope reviling the letter inside.

 _ **To my dearest Phil,**_

 _ **If you're reading this, then I am obviously dead. I didn't think that I would have the balls to go through with it, but I clearly did. Don't blame yourself please. This isn't your fault. This is my choice and this is what I have chosen to do. Phil. I want you to go on in life. I want you to find someone who will love you, who you will marry and start a family with. Hey. You might even get a dog! Make sure you get a corgi. I know those are your favourite breed. And name it something special. Not after me though. That will only make you sad.**_

 _ **Phil. My favourite thing about you was your optimistic look on life. You always saw a positive outcome of every situation and always tried to cheer me up when we get into bad situations. Remember that time we got stuck in a lift in Spain? We were stuck in there for hours and I was so scared we were never going to get out. You were there and you helped me. You told me jokes and funny stories, anything to make me laugh so I would forget that we were stuck. And the time we got stuck at the top of the ferris wheel. I was terrified of heights. But you made me look at the amazing sceneary we had instead of the height we were at.**_

 _ **Phil. I don't want you to be sad when you think of me. I want you to remember all the good times we've had. Even the small things, such as sitting in my bedroom playing guess who because it was too wet to go outside.**_

 _ **I love you Phil. I always have. I always will.**_

 _ **Goodbye Phil.**_

 _ **Love from your bear,**_

 _ **Dan.**_

 _ **X**_

About a month later, everyone was gathered in the gymnaise once again. The Headmaster once again said the 6 dreaded words.

 _ **"Phil committed Suicide on Wednesday Evening**_

 ** _-END-_**

 ** _2077 words_**

 ** _Hey guys._**

 ** _I'm so sorry this was sad but i had to write it._**

 ** _Please if you ever feel like you want to commit suicide or are depressed or just want someone to rant to, my PM's are always open or you can DM me on Instagram ( .Trash) I am always here if you need me._**

 ** _I started writing this at midnight and finished it a 2AM oops._**

 ** _I have to admit this made me cry whilst i was writing it is that bad?_**

 ** _Anyways imma go and finish something that i may or may not post ;)_**

 ** _Byezzzz_**

 ** _-L_**


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